so, remind me to shoot myself in the face, next time opportunity presents itself. i'm so fucking pissed right now. like beyond pissed. like i can't hardly type right now... pissed.  

here i am again, crying, wondering why now of all times... this hasn't happened for awhile. what went wrong? i finally have all the friends that i wanted, needed so badly last year. finally have people in my life that care, really give a shit about me, about what happens to me. why do i still feel so empty? it's like i've been living that fantasy that i always wanted, especially in the depths of last year... but tonight someone finally called me on my shit. woke me up from the dream and finally pointed out what i've been denying for so long. i am lonely. there's no reason for it, just like there's no reason for me to hate myself so intensely and to hurt my body with everything that i do. i have friends that care. i have an amazing family, better than anything i could ever ask for. why do i still feel so alone in my head? why is there no cure?! the most horrible part is that now that it's been brought to my attention, i can't remember when it all changed. i wasn't always like this. i wasn't always this alone. secretive. sad... lonely. i keep thinking- when i had him in my life.. but even then, at least in the most recent years, i still felt isolated. maybe not in the beginning when i thought everything was perfect. yes, when i was naive, but is that really what i want to have back? i have said it before, but didn't sincerely know if i believed it. i feel like i am in a constant state of seeking approval, which many times i am able to achieve- but still it is never enough. there are always some standards i won't meet; i almost feel like i ensure that i will never meet them when i set out for them, just so i am constantly working towards something instead of focusing on how completely miserable i am in my own mind. i can't honestly look myself in the mirror anymore and say that i respect what i see. there was a time when i would not have said that, but that time is now gone. i feel so, so alone. the person (who made this personal assessment after a few mere conversations with me) was dead-on with everything that he said. i don't even know what to do anymore but cry.

i am just getting so fed up with all of the posts in ED-communities from people who don't have eating disorders. it is like anorexia is the latest fad diet... a magnet for anyone under the sun who wants to look good for prom. it's pissing me off because i feel like it's not only glamorizing the disease, but demeaning the pain/suffering/guilt that me and every other anoretic on here goes through on a daily basis. sorry to be in rant mode again... i guess i'll get back to this at another time because it's just bugging the hell out of me right now.

so today my fast ended, but not particularly by choice. i'd like to say i was forced to, but i'm sure i could have thought up an excuse if so inclined. true, after two days of nothing i wasn't feeling the hunger anymore, but i had to go to a dinner meeting and so i ate a medium sized raw salad to appease everyone else at the table. afterwards the hunger started to come back, but i suppressed it until 4 cups of coffee and some veggie bouillon later i decided that i needed something else. i ate a full bag of baby carrots- i guess that constitutes as a binge... however the grand total for the day couldn't have exceeded 450 calories in all, so i'm not beating myself up too much over it. at current i have a TON of homework to look forward to for the rest of the evening (not planning on sleeping tonight, thanks coffee!!) so i'd better be going.

well, i don't know what to say. tonight my emotions have simply just crashed. no, i did not eat tonight. i consumed under 100 calories from liquids today, along with hoodia which made me feel full. it is none of those things. i just feel utterly depressed and hopeless. i am crying for no reason. no, i lied. i am crying because i feel guilty about the person that i am. for some reason i did an emotional evaluation of myself and realized (not for the first time) that i hate the person who i have become. i hate everything about me, not just weight... yes, losing weight is one way that i want to better myself, and my way of coping, but there are more deep-seated issues here that aren't going to be fixed by losing a few pounds. i hate me. i feel worthless, and i don't blame everyone else for not being my friend around here (college). i don't deserve friends, i am not good enough for that. i love you girls on this site, and you are all so wonderful and supportive... you don't know me in person, and i feel like you wouldn't want to if you had the chance. i am not just saying these things, i honestly feel this way... i am not looking for comfort right now either, because i am beneath it all. why? why do i feel this way now of all times?? i should be happy with myself, i have eaten nothing for 5 days straight (and plan not to anytime soon), but nothing makes this emptiness inside of my heart go away. no amout of weightloss is going to fix the person that i am. i feel like i have let so many people down in my lifetime, and that i will inevitably end up doing it in the future to anyone that i come to care about, or who cares about me. i push people away from me because i am afraid of hurting them, or disappointing them. i can't stand myself anymore. i know that i would be hurting the people i love, my family, if they even began to know the real me... what i have been doing to myself. i even feel guilty about being on this site because, whether you girls know it or not, i love you guys. i love the support i get here, and i love to make you feel better... and it just kills me that i would be helping someone that i care about hurt themselves, the way that we do. i don't know if this is making any sense to anyone right now because i can't think straight... i hate myself for hurting you, or for watching you hurt yourselves. i don't want to stop, and i know that i can't, even if i wanted to. i wish we didn't have to live like this. all of us... i just wish we could all be happy. i wish that we could love ourselves and not just each other. it hurts me so bad. i am sorry. i think that i really need to take a break from coming here because it hurts so much. i love you all so much, more than you even know, and i want more than anything for you not to feel the pain that i feel right now, even though i know that it will never happen. please forgive this long message, i'm sorry. this is the place i come to get my true feelings out because my entire life has been a lie. i don't know how long it will be, but i just need to stay away from everyone and everything right now. i feel like a toxic influence on everyone that i come in contact with. know that i love all of you, and please love one another.

you are so beautiful to me.